my mind is full of ****

'Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep Up above in my head, instead of going under..

i think i've reached a stage where controlling myself is not an option anymore.
i'm getting really affected by it. the emotions are getting to me.

it sucks so bad, starting and stalling.  
and things are getting harder and harder to read.
drifting further and further away from me. 

what is going on...? 

...

its one of those nights again. i cant pinpoint whats wrong but everything just feels wrong..

i find myself questioning how i had lived my life so far..

i think i'm doing it wrong.

am i really being who i am?

i am really living?

everything i do, every decision, its all wrong. all bad.

let everyone down, let myself down.

distancing myself from everyone... retreating further into this old shell of mine..

i fucking hate myself.

yum

been enjoying the expensive stuff lately!

voyage de la vie + a night at hardrock hotel last week!
kenna asked to do magic on stage lawlawl!

mortons steakhouse this week!
steak was good but portion tooooo big!!

this is called contributing to the economy! hahahahaha

too bad work is sucks.

doubts

its been four months since that day i found out.

it still feels as fresh.

i am still filled with doubts. its not that i dont want to believe you. but looking at those black and white words, its just impossible to.

and the suffering goes on.

cheating

1. go to google
2. type "cheating"
3. ????
4. profit!!!!1!


lol looks like the trends are that girls are one upping guys.
gg.



as they say, when girl says she slept with 2 guys, u gotta multiply that by 3. when a guy says he slept with 2 girls, u gotta divide that number by 5. (in this case the guy is a virgin, enjoy the hand)

so i find myself confiding in kruger.
hey, hes a dog i know... but hes the only one that i can talk about such thing to.
and the only living thing that doesnt betray.

he listens, he seems to know my pain, anguish etc etc.

and i can see why dogs are the best companions a man can have.
maybe someway down this troubled roads i am traversing, i might just adopt a god as my life companion.

hell, i might even get religious.
maybe some mediation and chants can save my soul and calm my inner turmoils.

humans just aint worth the effort and hurt they might cause.
men are cheap, women enjoys being cheap.

in this modern world, chivalry is dead, honour is irrelevant and loyalty doesnt exist.

they say if you cant beat them, join them.
but i may be cheapskate, i am not all that cheap.

thanks for the stinking pile of shit.
i hope you all burn in hell.

feelings.

it feels so foreign.. this feeling.
this sadness... this depressing weight upon my being.

its been a long time.. and i feel horrible.
i hate the life i had been living.
i feel fucked up and i have fuckloads of regrets.
of the 26 yrs i have been alive.. most of it was wasted.
i feel unfilial, useless.

dad's birthday just went by. it dawned on me that my parents arent all that young anymore and i aint a kid no more.

i realised how important my family is in my life. i realised that this fairy tale family life is not eternal, and time goes by way too fast when you dont want it to.

it also made me realise how much i want my parents to be happy. i wanna be a better son.
i keep having this aching feeling that i am neglecting my parents.

everytime i think back on those time the family is out together, be it just a meal, shopping or walking around.. i wish those times would never end and that it will go on and on. but we all know how harsh reality is.

i hate reality.

it makes my eyes water, my nose sour up, whenever i think about this.
all i know is, that this family i have is amazing.
and i want my mom and dad to still be my mom and dad, my sisters to still be my sisters, the life after this and on and on.

i love my family.

thanks for giving me the strength to live this life.